Quite a few weeks ago while riding the escalator down at the granville skytrain station, I heard a noise I could only classify as one of amusement or excitement from rather close behind me.

Barely a breath later and much to my surprise I thought i felt a hand caress my ass. So I turned around hoping to find a 5'2" girl with slender fingers, big soft eyes that could speak words few tongues could ever match, and long bangs pulled aside framing an all-too-cute face. Instead, much to my dismay I found a dirty old man standing behind me.

I gave him a look that scripted a scene of me throwing him down the remainder of the escalator stairs and turned back around disappointed at what fate had handed me that day.

Erin writes from a german prison and says You evil bitch. How could you even think of such a horrible thing?

Anyway, hope you make it back to Vancouver soon so we can sing Elton John songs at the karaoke bar. Best wishes, your friend, ernie.

I've often heard the advice when one is depressed about some stupid bullshit, to think about those even less fortunate and to count oneself lucky to be in the situation they're in.

I'm going to start envisioning myself in a wheelchair with a colostomy bag and herpes. Instead of being sad, I'll just be laughing at myself.

Miss Nude Midget World is appearing at the Cecil this week, a fabulous 48" of naked midget pole dancing for your pleasure.

I don't think Austin Powers has made midgets fashionable enough for me to want to see that.

Hit the dentist today to sort out a few things. My lower wisdom teeth need to be busted out of my face cos they've come in sideways, something that horrifies me to the likes of being trapped in a bad Degrassi Jr. High episode.

Luckily, I'm getting sent to an oral surgeon who can pump me full of enough drugs that he could use me as a real doll without me noticing. As long as I don't feel the teeth come out, I won't complain.

Simple fact is, the majority of guys are always horny, they're just afraid to vocalize it for fear of being labelled a perv.

Since no one wants to hear about how much I enjoy just feeling the warmth of a girl with her arms wrapped around me, I stick to talking about finding a hostess to box my twinkie.

Back in jr high on valentine's day, me and ren left flowers on these two chick's doorsteps, rung the doorbell and ran like assholes for half a block without leaving our names on either package.

That was pretty gay.

Had dinner at Dawat, a great indian restaurant near my place with some friends.

The butter chicken was classic, but the chicken saagwala (chicken in creamed spinach with ginger and cumin) stole the show. The naan was fairly average, but the meal was fantastic overall.

While this post has no humorous content, some dude in a car did call us faggots (I'm sure he meant carmen as well) as we walked home which I thought was awesome, since I had thought that shouting random homophobic insults at strangers was a dying art form.

Supposedly you can mail Scott Baio of Charles in Charge fame at the following address. He could probably do for some attention from the ladies these days.

Kelly has whipped up some new dubs since returning to amsterdam. Unfortunately for us, no pics of the red light districts.

From Cnn.com Well, I guess the proper authorities will now be taking over for me in searching for these hidden messages of terror, and I can go back to my normal non-porn web surfing days.

Peter's shipment of domo-kun goods has arrived.

Angry looking poo-like creatures make me very happy. (note to co-workers: leaving angry looking real poo creatures on my desk does not make me very happy)

So after watching Amélie, Ryan wants to borrow Moulin Rouge while Brent has asked for Amélie for the weekend.

Next on my list of movies to talk people into, "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything!, Julie Newmar".

My chinese neighbors seem to find the most effective method of communication to be the "you run out to the alley while I yell at you from the porch" technique.

Due to the effectiveness of this method, they've inadvertantly saved me from the dangers of sleeping in on the weekends or even enjoying my saturday or sunday mornings.

I let a friend pick my brain about the internet and all they got was a stringy booger.

I spent a few hours doing some soul searching tonight and found seventeen cents (one dime, one nickel and two pennies), my tv remote, and some pretzel crumbs.

Everybodys favourite english asshole chris waind has some new dubs (pages 2-3) including pics of him with guns in vegas.

Discovered a whole new smell while riding the #20 bus this morning.

I've decided to name it "Burnt Urine"

On the transit ride in this morning I saw an asian chick with titties and a budonkadonk butt. (Brent will understand best that that's a rare sight).

I think that's fly. Can I meet you girl?

Just found the best web ad evar.

1997's Batman & Robin must have been made solely for the purpose of entering the worst movie ever contest. On the other side of the spectrum, Amelie comes out on dvd tomorrow.

Food Network has a new show with some chain smoking asshole who eats lamb faces in france and travels to shitty ex-Khmer Rouge outposts on the cambodian border. It rules.

Ralph Macchio rules.

Ryan busted out the imdb and found that the karate kid is now a karate man!

This site was so horrifying yet hilarious that I almost threw up laughing at it. I'm still feeling a little queasy.

That link is definitely not for everybody.

My wisdom teeth have been coming in for a while, sometimes causing a bit of pain as they do.

I've been avoiding the dentist a bit about this problem as the last time I had a tooth pulled, the sound of my tooth being torn out of my gums freaked the shit out of me. It's a miniature version of the sound a man's arms would make if they were torn from its sockets by a fairy tale giant, but it all happens right inside your head.

I think I'll have to take the wuss route and get my ass knocked out before they saw up my mouf.

Went to Memphis blues after work with the eat club, ordered "the elvis" and ate meat til my balls were sweaty.

The synthetic leather used to upholster the booth seats and the summer heat likely had a hand in this, but having 6 1/2 lbs of assorted southern bbq in front of you is like seeing nipple pressing through the fabric of a too-tight shirt.

You like what you see, but it's so much better when it's in your mouth.

Tron 2.0. Cool dubs.

Found on the office fridge, assembled from fridge poem magnets.

"He is gorgeous and hung like a luscious sausage."

The Nuge sends us this gem. He highly encourages you to punch 20948 into the locator field in the top right.

Peter has scored me a 20cm plush domokun and keychain from one of the NHK stores in Japan.

I feel like a kid about to score with his grade 8 teacher in the back seat of her car.

Kelly just asked me how things were these days and it seems that nothing is ever new. What qualifies as new? Knocking someone up or getting married or moving somewhere far away I think.

I'm Bill Murray starring in Groundhog Day, living the same shit over again each day. Getting attacked by zombies would be shitty, but at least it'd be something really fucking different and new.

edit: when thinking about it a little more, being attacked by zombies would be pretty cool.

Fran and Tracy have some nice pics of a german church and pride parade. They go together like two wet asses.

Saw an asscrack full of movies this weekend. 'Training Day' was excellent, 'The Limey' and 'The Bourne Identity' were quite good, 'Behind Enemy Lines' was crap, and 'Cum from Behind' had a plot full of holes.

Joanna Kerns was definitely the hottest tv mom from my childhood.

Over dinner with my aunt and parents, they passed along the advice that I'd be best off avoiding picking up any chinese in-laws. Specifically, instructions were to hook up with a girl whose parents were dead.

Grim advice but from analysis of all my chinese relatives, they're dead on.

Today, I introduce you all to "the sandwich".

1. Position yourself behind the target. Try not to make yourself obvious.
2. In one fluid motion, place your left hand in front of the person's body at the waist, while pushing forward with your right hand on their upper back.

If done correctly the person will fold forward at the waist with their ass thrust towards you.

While Black Hawk Down was a great movie, it really seemed to take some freedom from the actual events.

I don't think Josh Harnett could have been shooting down Zeros at Pearl Harbor as well as somali militia in the Mog.

Seriously though the book is fascinating, and tells a (true) story with (some very) different details than what the movie did.

Trillian excerpt of the day:

[17:49] Birdwings: ac-130u gunships, m4s, m82s, and snickers munch. america is the best country in the world.

Teddo sent this link with some sweet IM quotes.

My favourite could well be the cum brownie breakup.

Good things:

Cookies and creme ice cream.
Tide laundry detergent
Dial Blueberry soap (why the fuck did they stop making this?)
Colt M4 carbines.
She-ra

Smoo smooo