It's pretty old and done to death, but I can't stop laughing like her.

Yaaaa yaa ha ha ha.

Arch woke up hung over and asking me if I knew what happened to his ass last night.

Best all of us could piece together was that it was either the vicious slapping of his ass that aimee gave him, him falling on his ass after a drunken attempt to climb a fence out back of the morrisey, a bouncer putting a foot up his ass after headbutting ceebs, or that guy he went home with after a few too many.

Personal experience says it could be a little bit of all of those.

I just received a pretty unusual piece of spam. No links, pictures of naked people or any of the usual stuff, just this: Ummm... ok.

I've wanted my own amazon wishlist ever since seeing one on ari's site. It's always seemed like a part of blogging that I'd been getting left out of (other than showing you my tits on my webcam).

Well kids, the time has come. Since I made my first ever amazon purchase tonight it set me up for my very own wishlist.

I hope you kids have as much fun reading it as I have making it. And for the record, DO NOT buy me any of this crap. I would feel horrible if you spent your time and money buying this stuff that would ultimately end up in the trash where it belongs.

Spent some time at the theatre today watching the newest bond flick (pierce brosnan is bond) and came back with plenty of observations.

It seems most people don't have bank cards which prevents them from using the row of neglected automated ticket machines at the front. They are instead forced to stand in line for many minutes while I blow past them with my interac purchased ticket. Should I feel guilty that I had the required fifty dollars to open a bank account and they didn't? No. The poor bastards can suffer their misfortune without me. I've never felt so elite in my life.

Movies are expensive now, which can be a good thing since it makes the free movie pass I sometimes get in return for working overtime or weekends to be worth that much more. Any resentment goes right out the door when I see those $13.50 ticket prices I don't have to pay. All that resentment comes back quickly though since I have to join the "poor" people lineup to get my free ticket.

From the example set by those in my place before me, the spot on the floor directly underneath the urinal is as good a place as any to piss at. I wouldn't have had to stand back two feet otherwise.

Things in iceland are a lot different than they are here. In fact, they often look computer generated and shitty.

Lastly, the thirty minutes of commercials before the feature aren't just meant to sell you stuff. It's meant to warm up the crowd and get them excited. Think of it as having carrot top open for your favourite band.

Prime Time Ernie. Always good taste. Always good price.

The posting of hasslehoff led to the busiest day for inanimate related emails or IMs, which I'm interpreting as a request for more. Sadly I don't even recall where I got that pic. I just knew it'd come in handy one day and saved it (for something other than that iron on transfer I did for my pillowcase).

I also got an email from a stranger that stated:
Knowing the internet, it's probably a man.

Chris Waind also wrote, saying something about how amazing I was and how he's seldom seen such a fine asian man or something to that effect. I'll have to read that again and try to make better sense of it.

The skytrain smelled like pee this morning, and this time it wasn't me.

I've decided to take the advice of my doctor and back out of my planned self-trepanning.

The argument that I would be more likely to bleed to death or give myself brain damage outweighed the benefits of releasing evil spirits from my head.

unrelated: despite my love of sometimes bizarre miike takashi films, its michael jackson that gives me nightmares.

Since everyone has been emailing me asking how septic tanks work, here's the answer.

I'm thoroughly unconvinced that painting your face and/or dancing makes anyone take you seriously while you march in a peace parade denouncing the idea on war on iraq.

It does make me want to punch you in the face though.

So the civic elections are happening today and I'm not voting, because I don't give a fuck. There are those that say "if you don't vote, you have no right to complain", but in the same line of thought, just because I didn't get your mother pregnant doesn't mean I don't get to complain about your existance.

Even if I did vote, I'm just as likely to complain anyhow since elected officials always turn out to be dicks.

unrelated, Brent contributes his banner in a move that could get me killed.

Lucky you, Microsoft is tracking both you and this website and for every ten (10) people that you forward this to they will send you a cheque for $1.

Oh, this site will also add 1-3 inches to your penis overnight.
edit: to clarify, this does not involve me physically manipulating it in any way.

I had dinner with vegetarians ryan and steve during which ryan's belief that you should have the conviction to kill any animal you're willing to eat came up.

Despite this being ryan's argument against eating meat, this happened to make me want to wrestle a pig. While ryan believes a pig would kick my ass, I think I'd stand a fair chance, especially since vic gave me the "SAS personal survival handbook" as a gift recently. (hints include: Grab, twist or pull the testicles. Strike them with a fist, knee or foot.)

While this may just give those who don't know me personally the idea that I'm just some sort of pervo pig wrestler, I'm just trying to illustrate something or other that I haven't quite figured out yet. Ryan also said he'd eat the pig if I killed it, which is a pretty damn cool thing for a vegetarian to do for you.

While spending ten minutes digging through my paperwork drawer for my birth certificate (which happened to be in my wallet the whole time) I stumbled across one of my grade twelve report cards. The teachers comments for my four classes are as follows:

Good work

Good attitude and work habits

Good work

An excessive amount of class time is wasted by this student, resulting in hurried and poorly done assignments.

So it seems only one of my teachers actually took the time to get to know me and realise what sort of jackass I really was. During the summer after that class, I made good on my threats and visited his home uninvited on Galiano Island, using the small local phone book to track down where he lived. His shore-front farm was a beautiful little place, with both beer and sheep present.

He drove us (ted and ren were with me) off to the far side of the island and left us to die under the guise that it was a nice hike back to our camping spot. We trekked back in the summer heat for hours without water, walking through stinging plants knowing only that following the coastline should get us back eventually. I downed two cans of sasparilla within seconds upon finding a general store near the end of our trip.

Rob McCallum was an awesome guy.

Much to my embarassment, I realised too late that "Where's Waldo" and "hide the sausage" are two completely different games.

Go-karting on sunday was good times (smoooo!), but was also physically demanding enough to leave all of us a bit sore today. Despite my knack for saying things I shouldn't out in public, I was a bit speechless after Ren turned to me and said loudly enough:

"My ass still hurts a lot from yesterday".

For the record, I had nothing to do with it.

(our karting team which came in 5th out of 11 teams was proudly called "Team Reading Rainbow". And yes, I did sing the theme song.)

update : Ren says his ass hurts just as much today as it did yesterday.

While I was heading into a starbucks tonight (a rare sight) to grab a cup of coffee, I was approached with the typical sob story of someone needing enough money to get shelter for the night, who was clean and sober etc. I didn't have anything smaller than a $20 on me (which I'm not about to give to a stranger unless the terms warm and moist have been very recently introduced into my thoughtstream) so I told him I didn't have anything for him on me but I might on my way out. He broke out into a whine that he couldn't wait around all night, which made me realise that my money could.

As a note of interest, you can get yourself a sandwich and a coke for $3 at the Venus Theatre on main at the mouth of chinatown (hastings and main is the ass if you're wondering). I would avoid the tuna salad myself, or just about anything there that involves mayo.

(for those not aware, the Venus shows movies about what mommies and daddies do, which is perfectly natural and a beautiful part of life)

For those who got a chance to see Volcano High during our film fest this year, the international release is finally out on a region 0 dvd. The subtitles are good as is the video quality except for some scratches in the film source.

The box says region 3 on the back, but that's either a misprint or a simple method to throw off the assholes that enforce region coding, as the internet and I both agree that it's definitely an all region release. I picked mine up from MAL in chinatown for $22, but the MAL in richmond carries them too, as should the metrotown location.

Great movie with cute kendo chicks. win.

Non GVRD residents might want to check out aznfilms.com for a copy.

On an unrelated note, a vietnamese sub with a potent pepper in it almost gave me a seizure today at lunch and I loved it.

My buddy ren is coming to town tomorrow for a week to do what we do best together, which is eat. Years ago, when we were just highschool kids we went to deas slough park for a picnic with the gang and since we are and have aways been stupid jackasses, we decided to bring something special.

We brought with us a whole roasted chicken from safeway. Far from being hot or delicious as advertised, it was rather boring, but it was a whole roast chicken. Without the use of plates or utensils and without tearing any of the chicken apart we started to consume this whole chicken by passing it back and forth between us taking bites right out of the greasy carcass.

Our friends watched with a mix of horror and delight while we worked our way through the entire bird. Simply said, it was a barbaric display carried out by juveniles willing to subject themselves to all sorts of stupid shit for a laugh. I don't think either of us felt terribly good afterward, especially after we drank the greasy drippings out of the bag which happened to taste a lot like a sunny side up egg yolk.

Sure it was just a subplot in a spacemoose strip that inspired my block parent post, but five years and an episode of ER later, it still echos in my head.

Why the fuck would wesley snipes cheat on ming-na wen?

unrelated: search terms recently used to find this site:

dolph lundgren in underwear pics

david hasselhoff in corduroy

my hormone titties

cockrings

Inexplicably, I seem to be handing out relationship advice to multiple people lately. Frankly, it can get a little tiring when I've got my own obvious issues to deal with, so in a pre-emptive strike here are the answers to your next three relationship questions.

1. Just give it some time. Things will work themselves out eventually.

2. Well, I think you need to ask yourself what it is you really want or maybe what it is that you really need right now.

3. I think you just need to tell him/her how you really feel. Put in all on the line and if it doesn't work out, maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

edit : almost forgot the ending to the session: hey, no problem. You know I'd always make time for you.

An impromptu survey of chinese males I know tells me that we all love the beautiful and amazingly talented maggie cheung.

I can even remember having a crush on her even as a kid, but I had a disconnect with chinese culture during my early teens while trying to be less of a social outcast. Watching films like "in the mood for love" and "comrades, almost a love story" have made me fall in love with her all over again.

Baby, why did I ever leave you?

If I catch you wearing a shirt that says "Pornstar", you better believe you're gonna have to show me your bits.

Public service announcement:
Come go-karting with me Sunday, Nov 10th at tbc indoor racing. Make like the rest of richmond's fine residents and crash your car into everyone else's and feel no guilt or remorse. icq or email me if you want in. As a bonus for cute chicks interested in coming, I will make out with you in the bathroom inbetween races and you can buy me a soda.

part II:
While on a totally out-of-character drug binge, my friend sheena bought three floor seats to the Guns 'n' Roses concert this thursday that she's now trying to dispose of. It may be your last chance to see a washed up Axel Rose perform with a grown man who still thinks it's amusing to wear a kfc bucket on his head. Face value on these passports to a once in a lifetime opportunity are $80.

Think of this opportunity to see G 'n' Fucking 'R' as the girl in high school you didn't have the balls to ask out, except she's ten years older, put on a few pounds and no one likes her anymore. email me if you want em.

Am I the only one scared that women seem to be taking advice from the overly made up employees manning cosmetics counters in all major department stores?

On our almost weekly late night slightly inebriated visit to nancy wonton house, vic and I were able to score a free meal by surviving a sniper attack.

We were halfway through our congee, spicy salty meat and hong kong-style coffee late nighter when a hole erupted in the window beside us in a small burst of shattered glass. Not living in america, it took me a little time and vic confirming that something did most likely penetrate the window for me to do the smart thing and slouch down in my seat to offer less of a target to whomever was shooting whatever in our direction.

The waitress came by and told us we wouldn't be charged for our meal now dusted with glass particulates which was a nice gesture. I left a tip, cursed my lack of foresight for not bringing safety goggles along and got the hell out of dodge.

I watched the kurosawa's 210 minute epic "The Seven Samurai" tonight and it became one of those films that taught me a lesson in life. It stood out as more than just a movie made for simple entertainment, it spoke of truths of life that live on despite the passing decades. What great gem of knowledge did I gain from this classic?

Japanese farmers in the 16th century were a bunch of crying pussies not worth saving.

Sometimes I get a little down on my job since it can be both frustrating and stressful on multiple levels, but having breakfast at mcDonald's can be an eye opener.

Simply said, it was a depressing sight to see the drudgery of minimum wage labor and to get a glimpse of all the people (eating at, not just working at) I could be instead of a fairly successful young professional with the luxuries of a home theatre, a fast computer, and the mountains of drugs and porno.

Those kids in amsterdam know how to have a good time. Best costume goes either to taz as Sgt Pepper era Ringo, or the dude who dressed up as Bob Ross.