Sitting three feet away from two couples at bin 942, my theory that chinese relationships are particularly passionless was only furthered.

Through hour long meals I didn't witness one longing glance or even an understanding smile. No wistful looks into the other person's eyes, no reach across the tiny table. I've had more passionate relationships with my meals than these people seemed to have with each other.

Then again, I'm the guy who can fall in love with a girl in the few minutes it takes her to ring up my kitchen knife purchase. At least she had a warm and genuine smile though.

It's not that I particularly mind the fact that only gay men seem to check me out, it's that I think they all only consider me on the bottom.

Patrick was given a george foreman lean mean fat reducing grilling machine for christmas, so we celebrated this tool for a healthy lifestyle by cooking up an entire 1lb package of fletcher's bacon in the office lunch room.

The smell of bacon filled the high ceilinged office and now clings to our clothing and hair, quite possibly making us even more attractive to the types of chicks we dig (those who love meat).

Alexei taught us how to drink vodka in the blue collar russian style, but we deviated and ate much more than is usual and took much longer than is allotted in a fifteen minute coffee break.

We destroyed a bottle of beautiful belvedere in no time at all while downing canned spratz, smoked oysters, sausage, pickles, rye bread and moved on to lesser vodkas in good time.

We drank about 12oz (correction: 15oz) per man in three hours, and I almost passed out while sang banged on a drum set beside me.

Alexei tells us that judging the quality of a vodka comes the next morning and not at all in the tasting of it. Let's hope for a good morning.

I treated myself to a few new toys today, not because it was boxing week but simply because I needed them.

A new 5" Global cook's knife joins my collection because I need to debone(r) chicken legs so that I can stuff spinach and feta in them. I'm glad a did a trial run tonight so I could fully understand how much goddamned work I have cut out for me when I try to do 12 of these. That said, the flavor I got out of them was well worth the effort.

I also picked up a french press so that I could make the unbeliveable sakura cherry tea that ren and carmen got me. It's a slightly dry tea, but so incredibly aromatic you'd mistake it for candy.

Lastly, the Ming Wo on 4th avenue always has the cutest girls but it's their knowledge of cookware that really turns me on.

Christmas dinner is over and my belly is distended like that of a famine stricken ethiopian child.

(yes, I celebrate the birth of jesus by being evil)

We did what we said we would and hit the downtown eastside for Save-on-Meat hamburgers today. It might be the first place I've eaten at that had a sign that proclaimed "we accept meal tickets".

Our Neve Campbell (party of five) all ordered bacon and cheese burgers which surprised us by housing double patties. Fat, greasy, double patties. A heaping mound of fries came with it, but they were lifeless, tasteless and generally ignored. The burger itself was actually quite good except for the fact that it was possibly the greasiest burger I've ever eaten in my life. When I tilted the burger for my first bite a pool of grease formed on my fries.

We were probably the youngest and freshest looking (and smelling) kids in the joint. Middle class diners out slumming yet again, and enjoying it.

We headed next door to the army & navy where I ate the sketchiest hotdog I've ever met, and smiles were turned upside down by the broken malt machine. My hotdog was pale and wretched looking; a sick dog waiting to be euthanized by the next generous soul. The meat was loose and wet, the polar opposite of a hebrew national kosher beef frank. Sang threw his out after a bite or two, unable to get pass the utter grossness of the situation.

While at the A&N, I was able to pick up a copy of The Crippled Masters in a four pack of dvds for $12. Greasy burgers, terrible hotdogs, and shitty B movies. My day was made.

Holiday notes:
This halifaxian butcher is a genius for making a turducken with all the bones removed, and sausage stuffed between the layers of animal. A titan of meat he is.

A case of BSE (mad cow disease) found just south of the border has got me excited. We're already planning on making a prime rib (aged for a week) for new year's eve, and hopefully the fear instilled in everyone will just drop the price and leave more meat for me to eat.

I've never really had a great appreciation for uni (sea urchin roe) until I sampled some extremely fresh product last night.

How better to describe it but as being like having the sweet creamy cum of the sea god neptune himself in your mouth.

This is strictly an uneducated guess though, as I've never had cum in my mouth and specifically not neptune's.

I'm standing around the office shovelling spoonfuls of organic honey'd cornflakes (with skim milk) into my mouth when Zerlina (the one handling my man tits in that pic over there) says... That alone put her in the running for coolest chick evar.

From the Brave Bull House of Steaks last week to the Ovaltine Cafe on Hastings this, we were pushing our eating boundaries to their limits.

The 60 year old establishment showed it's age clearly and the booths housed signs asking you to pay as you ordered. The darkness inside likely worked in my favor, hiding things I didn't care to see.

Veal cutlets for me, steak sandwich for sang, blt for sara, and pot roast for chris. None of the food was offensive (save for the mixed vegetables), but surprisingly good dinner rolls and mashed potatos were served.

Our exit found us amongst some of the poorest and most downtrodden in the city again. Is our middle class lunchtime adventure tourism offensive? Possibly. Though it's maybe more offensive just to ignore it.

ps. I ordered a cup of hot ovaltine just to be able to say I've had an ovaltine at the ovaltine.

addendum: On the menu next week are burgers at the back of Save-On-Meats on Hastings, followed by hot dogs and malts from the Army & Navy snack bar.

Due to the excessive use of the phrase "World Famous" to describe shitty menu items in questionable establishments, I've decided that this here blog is now World Famous as well.

With readers in Japan (hi peter), Australia (hey Marj and Susan), and the nederlands (hey gang) I think it's defendable. Easily as defendable as some shitty greasy spoon's $3.95 pancake breakfast.

Rhea commented... Why... Yes. Yes indeed I do

For those who I missed (or just didn't care to send to) my holiday e-card, here it is.

The accompanying email said something jesus something something birthday something crucifiction at the hands of the romans due to jewish conspiracy something or other.

Maybe I should have paid more attention in history and women's studies classes in college.

I just saw Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World and while I quite liked it, found it rather unrealistic.

Two hundred men (including young boys) out at sea for months and no sex scenes? I thought guilt-free sodomy was the whole point of joining the navy.

I need a typical blog post, so I'm going to do a top five list (chain-inspired by ari)

Top five dream jobs:

1. Guitar soloist (and only solos)
2. Top Gun instructor
3. bedwarmer for cuties
4. Personal chef
5. ninja

Top five food items:

1. Lee's fried chicken
2. pistachio gelato
3. beef jerky (various)
4. guava / passion fruit juice
5. sashimi

top five older men i would shag with no strings attached:

1. the entire male cast of Top Gun.

(was I supposed to change that last one to chicks?)

Free belvedere and grey goose = Best Christmas party evar.

addendem: Highlights include:

seeing one of the company owners being dry-humped on stage by an ex-employee.

Not remembering that same ex-employee knocking me to the ground and dry-humping me.

Advising and reminding many guys that any liberties taken with my hot date would result in me killing them, with me also adhering to the same rules.

The open bar

The typical homoerotic flavor that all company parties seem to take on.

Being in the women's washroom.

Pics of patrick after he was undressed on the dance floor

Wren's pirate shirt.

Our odd culinary adventures took us to the Brave Bull House of Steaks on the corner of Clark and Hastings today, famous for looking dodgy and for the $9 prime rib and steak dinner ads posted outside.

The Brave Bull smelled like a chinese family's east vancouver basement. Those of you unfamiliar with this smell are missing out. It's not an offensive smell, just an odd one for a restaurant. The decor was definitely unmodern; not that I'll let that stop me from enjoying a good meal.

A lone old chinese woman ran the front of the house, pronouncing cuts of steak as if she were out of a hollywood movie before real asian actors existed and political correctness prohibited the casting of Mickey Rooney as the annoying asian neighbor.

This being the surreal scene that it was, I ordered the filet mignon. I didn't let the server's second guessing of my blue order phase me and stuck with it despite her checking in with the kitchen to see whether the chef thought I could survive my own request. The king cut wrapped in bacon was very tender if lacking in flavor a bit. Since we were ordering steak dinners for lunch, they didn't have rice pilaf and substituted bbq pork fried rice. The cream of mushroom was a bit stretched, but a few shakes from the salt and pepper shakers helped keep it palatable.

With three other tables of customers the server seemed a little overwhelmed. Our table of five had definitely doubled the typical lunch crowd on this day and empty tables still held plates which still held lumps of hamburger steak and veal cutlets.

While not exactly my first choice of date venue, the brave bull tests the fortitude of it's diners. Come, eat meat, be strong.

I sliced my thumb open on a bottle opener blade (apparently, that isn't classified as heavy machinery so you can use it while intoxicated) which forced me to bandage it.

Band-aids are great since they stopped the cut from splitting open again every time I used my thumb (which is pretty often) but upon removing it tonight (out of curiousity) I found that wet, white pruney hand meat that makes me a bit squeamish.

The adhesive from the band-aid also left a gooey mess on my thumbnail which has already attracted a fair amount of lint while remaining very waterproof.

I think I'll just go to bed and hope I don't subconsciously start sucking on this nasty thumb of mine.

What's hotter than a woman who loves the movie Top Gun?

Only that sweaty, shirtless beach volleyball scene in it.

ernie teaches you to cook: part II - roasting chicken
I like dark chicken meat because it's more tender, flavorful and harder to overcook than white meat. I usually buy either legs, thighs, or the leg/thigh combo which works great on the grill. Season the chicken a few hours in advance. I use whatever is handy in the spice rack, but try to stick with a flavor theme. Don't add salt yet though, as it'll pull the moisture out of the meat and your meat will be dry shite.

The trick to the marinade is adding a tablespoon of olive oil to it so that the spices can work their way into the meat. Once you add the oil, I massage the chicken for a few minutes to work the flavor in. If you're a wuss, drop the chicken in a large ziploc bag so you don't get your hands greasy and then massage it from the outside.

When you're ready to cook, get your oven up to about 190c or 375F. Convection ovens do the best job of making the skin crispy as well as being easier to use for small amounts of food. Salt your chicken now (kosher or sea, or even seasoning salt) and don't be shy about it. Most people underuse salt in the kitchen and that's why your food tastes shit while mine doesn't.

I place the chicken skin side down on an lightly oiled baking rack over a pan to let the fat drip down away from the chicken. Flip it at 20 minutes (now skin up) and give it another 10 minutes before turning the heat up as high as it goes to crisp the skin even more for another 10. You can also brush the skin with a little butter (for crispyness and color) at this point or sprinkle a little paprika on top (color and flavor, highly recommended).

Your equipment may vary, so watch your chicken the first few times. but 40 minutes should cook chicken thighs easily. I tend to pull it out at 35 minutes since I can't stand overcooked meat. To check, stick a knife into the chicken at the thickest part to the bone. If the juices run out clear, you're good to eat. If you've done it right, this should be some fantastic chicken. If it isn't, it's your fault.

flavor ideas:
1. white and black pepper, cayenne pepper, garlic and or onion powder.
2. white and black pepper, nutmeg, cinnamon (only a smidge).
3. glico curry (melt the cubes in the microwave with some olive oil), minced onions, jalapenos, pepper. (excellent on the grill)

addendum: the olive oil in the marinade also makes the chicken cook way more beautifully all over, without any dry spots appearing. Glistening TV commercial chicken...

I was in the middle of posting a very intimate, self reflective and revealing post, when I realized that posting at 4am when you're drunk off your ass is a stupid stupid idea.

but at the very least, I don't think anyone at the party tonight would argue against the fact that I am the hardest working entertainment you can invite.

I also won't regret tipping the cab driver $6 until tomorrow morning.
update: the cab driver didn't take sexual advantage of me in my inebriated state, so I guess he deserved the $6.

Summary of a conversation:
her: she's too good for you.
me: excuse me?
her: not like that. I meant she's too good for you in the way that you're too evil for her.
me: makes sense.

Being a geek, this new zippo sized james bond branded camera is giving me a hard on. I sold my last digital camera a year ago and my lomo broke (as is par for the course), so I've been cameraless for a while now.

It'll also come in particularly handy on those monday morning japanese subway rides.

Christmas is coming, and I know what's best for everyone. So here's my list of stuff that is awesome that you can buy people you love.

Microsoft Natural Multimedia Keyboard - $35
Switching to an ergonomic keyboard means your hands won't look like lobster claws in 20 years. The multimedia keys give you no-look controls of winamp, even if your monitor is off. One of the best purchases I've ever made.

Grado SR-60 headphones - $129
One of the best pairs of headphones in its class. If all you've ever used are sonys, you're in for a surprise since these actually sound good. In fact, they sound great.

Global knives - $70+
Gorgeous, wonderful knives. Lightweight, and able to hold a very keen edge. You're actually less likely to cleave off your fingers if you use good sharp knives. Ming Wo often has them at 25% off.

Free weights - 49 cents/lb
Get yourself some weights, work out while watching tv and get totally buff. You can then join me for lunch hours flexing outside of the downtown ESL schools.

Paul Frank Flannel Pajamas - $120
Amazingly soft white flannel pajamas and particularly cute in a terribly overmarketed sort of way. Yes, $120 for pajamas is excessive but I'd buy them in a heartbeat had I the right person to wear them for me.

Make something - $?
Do or make something nice for someone. People who bake me my favourite cakes and pies always hold a place near my heart. Someone who will roast me a whole pig gets a free pass to third base.

I just picked up a sonicare toofbrush on the advice of someone I ran into in the bathroom today (people who talk to you when they're peeing obviously really care to say it).

Upon first using it, it felt like someone had just ignited a lightsaber in my mouth. It buzzes (it does not spin nor brush) at terrifying speeds causing your gums and teeth to tingle.

My teeth feel bidet clean now.

(and no, I didn't press the toothbrush to my crotch at any time)

A female friend was lusting after a $200 pair of jeans since they were supposedly "the in" jeans to have.

Now I may be wrong, but I think most guys are only really concerned with whether they make your ass look big, and whether or not they're hard to get off.

I'm really looking forward to 'the last samurai', particularly because it's directed by edward zwick who was also responsible for Legends of the Fall.

The production design of the sets and costumes look stunning and early previews have been excellent. As well, the action sequences are said to be fantastic and the movie also features ninjas (ninjas are totally sweet).

All that and like all hetero males, I totally want to pound tom cruise in the ass.