I went out and bought the best towels I could find today because when I'm wet and naked, I wanna feel good damnit.

I tend to only buy things online when I can't get them locally. It's not so much that I'm trying to support the local merchants, but I don't like waiting for stuff if I can help it.

I've had a $100 gift certificate to use at amazon.ca for months but they never have stock of the things I want. This is usually hard to find dvds or music (or in this case, ninja gaiden for xbox).

I was considering going low-tech with books instead, but it seems you can't order porn magazines from them.

It's frightening that the issue of homosexual marriage seems to be second only to terrorism on the big fear list in the US right now.

Is it particularly weird for me to want to watch The Passion of Christ just to see the romans beat the living shit out of jesus?

Worst, yet best joke ever:

What's the best thing about having sex with twenty one year olds?

There's twenty of them.

Based on the reaction I'm getting from this one, I know I'm going to have plenty of good company in hell.

Watching Average Joe tonight restored my faith in humanity, proving that good looks does not make up for mild retardation when it came to relationships.

Do you think jehovah's witnesses would be offended if I came to their homes and offered them booklets all about science?

Did Blanche's sluttiness in the show Golden Girls weird anyone else out just a bit?

I've been doing a lot of thinking about home ownership these days and so far it's a mortifying concept.

The concept of carrying a $200,000 - $250,000 mortgage scares the shit out of me. The fact that I'll pay almost double that amount after the bank gets it's share leaves me somewhat bewildered that people can even own property.

New one bedroom apartments in yaletown are starting at $200,000 for 560 square feet of living space which includes your closet and balcony. That leaves just enough room for one table that will act as your coffee table, dining table, ironing board, mahjong table and tv stand all in one. Bedrooms are starting to look more like walled beds than actual rooms.

I want my kids (heaven forbid) to know what's it's like to have to mow the lawn for a slurpee and 1/4lb big bite (hot dogs rule) and play street hockey with old tennis balls (orange street hockey balls suck), so I can already envision a return to the burbs when I get around to settling down.

On a brighter note, advice from a real estate agent and a financial advisor is just not to buy right now. Chris also figures I can play vulture in two years when some young family defaults on their mortgage and needs to dump their place for cheap so that they won't have to sell their child into slavery. Just because you don't know about it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

unrelated: for some unknown reason I feel stupid for not having seen Spy Kids 3D in the theatre, but I'm also sure that if I actually had, I'd be feeling as equally stupid at this very moment.

I left my waiter a 41 cent tip tonight because he took 15 minutes to bring me my bill (as well as taking 10 minutes to take our order from the time we told him we were ready).

I figure that when you start blatantly wasting my time, I get to start charging you for it.

I change my msn name more often than I change my underwear (once a week?) but my favourite so far has got to be "Terrence Trent A'rbys"

Problem now is that every time I hear the song "wishing well", I want a beef n' cheddar samich.

Inanimate reader Chris Wren suggests an "Ask Ernie" feature where you can email me with questions that you need real answers to.

This makes sense as the only reason I have so many stories of completely inappropriate behavior is because of my understanding of what is appropriate in the first place.

So send in your questions and I'll answer to the best of my abilities.

And to answer Chris' question: Yes, it is completely normal to have homosexual sex dreams even when you are in a steady hetero relationship. This doesn't mean you're really a closet homo, and there's nothing to be concerned about. Even big hetero stars like Elton John and Ian McKellen have said they've had similar dreams.

I've just considered that I may have wrongly assumed that all guys at some time have cupped a fart. (by cupping, I mean to cup one's hand around their bumhole, fart into it and then raise the cupped hand to their nose for a smell).

I just assumed all guys have done this but I'm unsure of where I got that idea.

And if any chicks are brave enough to admit to doing this (I won't post your name here), my life will be enriched with this newfound knowledge.

addendum: So far, 3 girls have admitted to cuppage. They are awesome. Peter says he hasn't though, but is now inclined to try it since reading the instructions.

People have really taken to fad diets and I'm tempted to write my own diet book to cash in on the craze.

Once I can stretch out my diet philosophy to a hundred or so pages from the current "stop eating so much shit and get some excercise", I'm sure I'll have a bestseller on my hands.

Personality only gets you somewhere as long as you're not competing with someone much hotter than yourself.

Notes from the road:
Seattle and Portland, while both beautiful cities were rather boring. We spent most of our time downtown in each city and both seemed dead compared to vancouver. Portland and Seattle were particularly clean and the architecture was impressive, with buildings both larger and grander than anything (other than maybe the wall centre) we have here, but downtown on a saturday night looked like vancouver on a sunday morning.

The people in both of those american cities also don't seem to suffer from the plague of obesity that the folks from bellingham do.

The mini-donuts at Seattle's Pike Place Market were so much better than the mini donuts at the royal on granville, that the machine at the royal might as well be dropping turds into the hot oil. (addendum: seems my previous experience at the royal was below par. Today's were much better)

Staying at hotels makes me feel guilty as some middle aged immigrant woman that gets paid minimum wage has to clean up after me. I know I pay them for it, but I end up trying to keep my room pretty tidy for them which isn't terribly fun. As well, a 4 star hotel is nice but home is better. My towels are still softer and I have a nice stereo in my room.

I had my first encounter with a Williams-Sonoma cook's store which sent me home with a 15"x20" John Boos Hard Rock Maple cutting board. It's a composite slab of wood, yet the most exciting part of my trip.

Following ren's advice, I visited a Carl's Jr and ordered a Guacamole Bacon "Six Dollar Burger"; a 1117 calorie, 81 fat gram monstrosity that almost made me cry. I looked at this burger that didn't want to fit into my mouth and it disgusted me that people actually ate this more than once in a lifetime. In it's defense, it's a nice burger. Good ingredients, all fresh, but just sickening to witness or experience. Also, even though all of the individual ingredients were of notable quality, there was little wow factor when it was all put together. Moderne Burger still crafts a finer meal. Eric ordered me the medium combo that came with a drink much larger than my bladder. They've got a weird idea of medium down there.

We walked around downtown portland for over 30 minutes looking for a greasy spoon for breakfast until we were lucky enough to be directed to Fuller's Coffee Bar where we were seated at a counter and fed greasy sausages, crispy salty bacon and fluffy pancakes. We could tell we were at the right place because this was the one restaurant we'd seen all day that actually had more seats full than empty. Four full length thick crispy rashers of bacon showed up on my plate and for the first time in my life I questioned whether or not I could actually finish my bacon. I had to picture Pat Redding shouting at me "Don't question meat!" to fit it down. Despite being a superior machine of eating back home, I felt like a lightweight in the states.

more to come...

addendum: Vancouver's smoo factor is phenomenal from what I witnessed in seattle or portland. I love this city.

I'm off to portland oregon for 3 days to do what I do best; Eat, hang out, and ogle.

If portland turns out light on the smoo ladies though, I'll just entertain myself with the morbidly obese.

Happy Birthday Coop!

There's gotta be other people that found pre-leather, good-girl Sandy way hotter than slutted up Sandy in Grease.

I should see 21 Grams because it's supposed to be a great movie.

But really, i just want to see naomi watt's boobies.

For hippy food, bbq soy crisps are really bloody good.

From my stats tracker I've noticed that people sometimes find this site while searching for "incest pics" (and no, I don't have any).

I'm wondering how these people tell that the participants in the picture are actually related. I mean, are you just going to take their word for it?