While having a last meal at the templeton with a toronto bound pat redding, a small puppy started spinning itself in circles chasing its own tail dissolving my idea that a dog chasing its own tail was a myth.

After a few spins though I realized that it wasn't chasing its own tail, but the turd stuck sticking halfway out of its own butt.

When I see a toddler embracing his newfound bipedal freedom with glee, tearing around arms out and fancy free, an unavoidable smile comes to my lips.

When that said child in his naive carelessness trips and cries out in pain, I think "hah! had that coming!"

After a few unsucessful nights at the roulette table, I'm rather convinced that wesley snipes was just referring to himself when he said "always bet on black" in the movie 'Passenger 57', as always betting on black hasn't proved to be a great way to make any amount of money at the casino.

When I wake tomorrow morning and look in the mirror, I'll sadly know that the painful and noticable bite mark just a half inch from my right nipple is the doing of patrick and not some awesomely horny chick tonight.

I love pickles as much as any open minded foodie (kim chi bitches!), but the pickle packers trade association has some bizarre ideas for encouraging pickle eating including "pickle pops -- chilled large dill pickles skewered with an ice cream stick".

I've chased vodka with pickle brine before (way better than you're imagining right now), but the pickle pop is weirding me out.

How I am so awesome at Rock / Paper / Scissors:

I've formed a simple theory as to why I can win at RPS so often (other than the possiblity that I have ESP).

I've figured that most people who aren't professional RPS players (a sad profession) are just too fucking lazy to either open their hand or form a pair of scissors on the count of three.

So don't be lazy, bust out an open palm and make sure the stakes are high.

My uncanny ability to kick ass at rock/paper/scissors won me an extra day off of work today as I bested my manager in a best of one match.

I rule.

Seeing how I'm genetically both fat and lazy, I have to commit a lot of mental energy to conquering my laziness so that my inherent fatness doesn't set back in.

Oddly enough, I find myself using fitness guru / hollywood action hero / governor of california arnold schwarzenegger as my motivation more often than I would have imagined.

Whether I'm hiking, biking, running, or trying to push out a few more reps with the weights, I'll find myself saying out loud in my best austrian accent "come oooooonnnn... DOOOOO IT!!!" straight out of Commando, and counting along "11... UP... 12... UP! Feel those thighs byuuurn!".

Sadly so, I'm retarded enough that it works.

civic holiday bitches! I'm going hiking.

(dave chappelle has me saying "bitches" way too much)

boss: You need to start booking some time off. You've got 40 days accrued for the year and you can only carry 5 over to next year.
me: You need to start letting me take some time off.
boss: right.

all jokes aside, just three of us in our department together have amassed over 120 days off that we need to burn off before year's end. Seeing that they're not terribly keen to have two of us out of office at a time (except when we're working offsite as cash machines) we'll need to wrestle (greco-roman and oiled) for key dates remaining in the year (as in during the summer rather than winter).

My return to vancouver and week off coincided perfectly with taz and coop coming back from amsterdam and we found ourselves at the helm of a 16 foot boat, cruising the burrard inlet and up indian arm to granite falls (noted on our map as being very scenic) for a three hour tour. (A three hour tour!).

We shut down the motor, let the current carry us slowly towards the falls and ate stinky runny cheeses, a multitude of meat snacks, candied almonds, honeyed sesames, indian candy, smoked salmon, and fine baguettes moistened with a bottle of wine.

The rental boat operator had assured us that it was likely that we would die on our little cruise, but we adhered to the safety measures with due diligence and made it back in one piece. Whether taz and I alternating roles as the skipper and gilligan made any difference to the success of our trip is still in question though.

Being a customer for over 4 years now, my wireless provider (telus) will sometimes send me special offers knowing that my current pcs handset is outdated and slowly dying.

The problem with these special offers they send me is that they always suck. The plan they want me to sign a contract on is always worse (less minutes/features, more expensive) than my current plan, and any discount on a new handset (though all of theirs are shite) requires a 3 year contract (I have no contract currently)

I shouldn't be surprised though. This is the same company whose call center said they couldn't take my call during the middle of the day for over a month when I tried to update my billing info (which couldn't be done online).

There's something so comforting about returning home from a trip to your very own toilet.

It's like a familiar pair of arms wrapped around you except that it's porcelain and you're pushing brown into it.

After much polling and many considerations, it seems the favourite to have replaced Kelly McGillis as Charlie in everybody's favourite gayfest (Top Gun) is the lovely Rebecca De Mornay.

If only I could turn back time. If I could find a way.
I'd take back those words that have hurt you...

nevermind...

I've discovered a force as down here in oregon as powerful as good old reliable london drugs back home.

At Fred Meyer (which is possibly one of the best store names evar), we were able to purchase a digital camera, a box of fried chicken, and a starbucks coffee at the same time.

I'm thinking that if LD ever started with the fried chicken idea, I might never leave.

mildly related: saturday night was prom night here in beaverton, which meant that on top of chicken and cameras, fred meyer also featured chicks in prom dresses. (smoo!)

I get to come and stay home from my tour of duty as of tomorrow and I couldn't be happier. (well actually i could be, but that would involve nicole kidman, a russian accent, and some light bondage a la birthday girl).

After skipping the Red Robin, the Olive Garden and other cookie cutter restaurants we came across, I spotted a piece of shit looking restaurant barely larger than an elementary school portable.

The cheap mildewed sign said "Korean Restaurant" yet there was "teriyaki" signage in the window, a sure sign that the local population didn't know what it was missing in korean cuisine.

My heart has a soft spot for such types of restaurants. Once you get over your own fear, these decrepit family run restaurants often offer fantastic food and hilarious decor.

I didn't let the duct tape holding together the vinyl booth seats together deter me, nor the ridiculous collages of body builders and athletes on the wall.

My bi bim bap and dumplings were delicious and my faith in choosing a restaurant with my heart rather than my head was again justified.

How can america really be so disgusted by the war crimes that happened in their prisons in iraq?

Do americans have any idea how much violence is being inflicted on the general population of iraq on a daily basis?

They've sent their sons, daughters, husbands and wives across the world to kill men, women and children and shouldn't dare be so horrified when they face what brutal realities come home to haunt them.

With election polls looking the way they do, there's not nearly enough regret for this fuckup of a war.

At chapters today I had a fair bit of trouble locating a copy of 'The Whole Beast: Nose to Tail Eating'.

Upon getting some assistance from the staff, we located this book about how to cook up an animal and all of its innards under the Vegetarian Cooking section.

There's not much in life more embarrassing than being asked to leave a traditional japanese home after punching your fist through the wood framed paper walls looking for prizes like you saw happen on the price is right.

a quick round up of the best worst internet this week:

http://www.lemonizer.com/banana
http://www.nerrbodyindaclubgettintips.com - use IE
http://khaaan.com

How embarrassing to just now realize that count chocula is a chocolate cereal mascot and not an anal loving pornstar.

I've added my chicken in peanut sauce recipe on my food page.

It's good. You'll like eating it...

If you're hot, I'll even make it for you...

hell, if you're hot I'll even make you breakfast...

(for the record, cheerios totally counts as breakfast)

After my first bike ride of the year yesterday, my gooch is killing me.

I'm still amazed now when I receive forwarded emails about how Microsoft or the US treasury or Jesus himself is going to send me $xxx if I forward that piece of shit email to another 10 people.

The internet and specifically internet horseshit has been around long enough that if I receive this sort of shit from someone, I put a kill filter on their email address so I never hear from them again. Luckily for me people I actually enjoy talking to aren't stupid enough to perpetuate these emails.

But since it seems there are still people dumb enough to fall for it, for every 10 people you forward this site to, some totally hot stud/chick will come to your house and fuck your brains out.

ps. You might have noticed I'm really into the word shit right now.