It seems I've once again thrown my sexual orientation into question by buying an $85 pepper mill that matches my red wall.

What the fuck? Did I just miss the entire summer?

What a delight to see that Paris Hilton now has her own fragrance out in stores now.

Smelling like a dirty whore has never been easier than now.

I'm as opposed to cancer as the next guy, but do I really need to wear a yellow rubber wristband to prove it?

Shouldn't you, wearing a "Live Strong" wristband try to set the example of living strong by not stuffing that second big mac into your mouth?

Somehow "Living Strong" should mean something more than giving $1 to a cause du jour and showing everyone you care by wearing a fashionable trinket.

The best quotes I've heard in the workplace all year:

I don't have internet at my new apartment yet and I can't access my voicemail because fido is fucking around with the network, so if you're having trouble reaching me just try calling more or write me an email.

After learning that crystal meth could be taken orally, intravenously, smoked, or snorted, the first thing I considered was that it must be possible to take it anally in the form of crystal meth suppositories.

I thought I was good at pining, but now I fucking rule at longing.

Unlike some who while drunk make the unfortunate decision to go home with the wrong person, I just end up at Denny's eating too much shitty food at 1 in the morning.

I can't stop laughing at this.

A stark realization hit me today when I told someone that I pine better than I love.

Unrequited love is so romantic.

Despite not having had time to move into my new apartment, I still love it. Possessive of a panoramic view of the north shore and a newly painted wall of cherry cobbler, my only gripe with it are the lacklustre appliances that came with it.

Not that they're terrible, they're just a basic set of Whirlpool jobbies in white and I want a flat top radiant stainless steel range with a convection oven. So buy my appliances; an electric range, a fridge, and a dishwasher so I can upgrade. Do it. Come on. Get to the chopper.

Sara commented last night on how much thinner I look lately, which unfortunately highlighted my rapidly deteriorating muscle mass much more than any recent increase in excercise or improvement of diet.

The ex-girl wrote a review of me on her blog.

While she did note that I am emotionally neglectful and disrespectful to my mother, she failed to mention that I am also arrogant, stubborn, possessive of a self-satisfied demeanor and more self-righteous than the catholic church. (just wait til you hear the cons though)

At least her friends can now openly hate me rather than veil it with saran wrap like before.

Taz asked me in an intimate but candid email I found all day parking 2 blocks away from work on monday for only $3. I was pretty stoked.

Taz's friend jared moved into a 3rd story apartment in my new building recently and already told me how some junkie climbed up three stories to his balcony to steal his bike.

I'm itching to have someone try the same on my apartment so I can dropkick their ass off my 24th story balcony.