I'm off once again to portland to shake my money maker, and by money maker I mean my hands and by shake I mean type and not make jazz hands because making jazz hands at the client office would be weird.

Sadly I'm without a camera this trip as my second lomo (which had been around the world twice) has eaten shit and died and I have yet to get myself its digital replacement.

In the meantime I'll try to catch up with friends, enjoy another slice of americana, and drown my sorrows in the pounds of melted cheese they seem to put on everything down there.

Why are all Chinese New Year treats all so incredibly shitty? The candy consists mainly of dried fruits or other weird shit with nasty powdery sugar all over it and little dense cakes purposely made to taste like ass.

Next year I think I'll skip chinese new year and just turn robbie burns day and haggis eating into a week long celebration. (yes, haggis made from the shitty sheep organs that no one else wanted to eat is better than chinese new year snacks)

After a fine meal at the cannery (a seafood restaurant in the oddest of places but with good food and a great view), I'm relieving myself at a urinal when from stage left I am joined by another patron in his late 20's.

The guy next to me proceeds to greet me heartily which is somewhat odd seeing that we're both in the middle of taking a piss, but being polite I reply to his general opener of "how's it going?". Breaking standard bathroom etiquette, we proceed to make small talk about the restaurant and he explains that it's his sister's birthday, they're having a great time, and he's already half-cut which would explain why he's carrying on a conversation with me while we're both standing there next to each other with our dicks in our hands.

Now I'm not drunk, but I am polite which is why I continue talking to the guy rather than tell him to shut the fuck up. Stepping even further from the path of normal bathroom interactions, he decides to meet the stranger he's pissing beside and asks my name. I introduce myself and he in turn does the same at which point he offers me a handshake.

I consider what's being asked of me; there's a man I've met 10 seconds ago with his left hand on his penis and he's offering his right hand for me to shake. It's bizarre and it's completely abnormal but there's a stranger trying to make a gesture of friendship, so I reach across with my right and shake his hand.

It came straight out of the "don't do it" list, but reaching out to shake the hand of a stranger seemed a better idea than letting personal discomfort or social etiquette dictate our actions. While we washed our hands, we joked about how bizarre the whole meeting was and said our goodbyes, quite aware of how strange yet progressive the whole event was.

Don't tell me you don't watch tv because it's stupid. Just admit that you don't watch tv because you have no self control and end up watching ricki lake, oprah, springer, and other crap that makes you feel stupid.

I don't watch a lot of tv myself but the bloody thing taught me how to cook, and has displayed countless hours of entertaining (scrubs) and educational (porn) programming for my viewing pleasure when I'm too lazy to interact with the internet or flip pages of a book.

Calling tv stupid is like calling the library stupid because all you do is look at photos of people with elephantiasis of the scrotum in the medical journals whenever you're there.

Dinner conversation tonight brought up a twenty five year old we knew who had won his fight with colon cancer with his colon intact enough not to require a colostomy bag and my first comment was "he better start living his life like it means something".

Most interesting was really the idea that those who survive a premature brush with death are expected to do something with their second chance at life; finally ask that girl behind the pharmacy counter out, finish a triathalon, experiment in alcohol fueled outdoor man-love, or fight an gorilla alongside two other guys with baseball bats before death finally does catch up with them.

Those of us not having yet had to face death in the eye seem content to spend our days watching tv, eating mcdonald's and otherwise having a hell of a time doing nothing of importance or meaning.

Luckily for me, I'm quite ok with this.

Mothers and teachers alike have pressed the issue of not saying anything at all if you had nothing nice to say and it applies to schoolyards and blogs alike.

Well, I get to laugh at america a little less starting tonight.

me: http://www.6park.com/life2/messages/4562.html
Guy LeDouche: that's disturbing
Guy LeDouche: no way a kid that age should be allowed to have matches

It has rained here in vancouver almost endlessly for over a month now. We've had maybe two or three days where it was only grey and miserable and one sunny afternoon but quite honestly, it's turning the city into a morgue.

The hems of our jeans are wet and dirty and cling to the heels of our shoes and the cold wet drops that fall from awnings onto the exposed backs of our necks might as well be icicles.

The rain is a prison during lunch hours, keeping us from mediocre but well missed meals with the senior citizens of the city at the bay restaurant or at the mall food court below that for all intents and purposes suck, but make for interesting stories later on.

Maybe worst of all, the rain forces us inside to be with ourselves and sometimes we hate that person.

My bank sent along a form to help me plan my financial future by mapping out where all my money is going on a monthly basis.

So far the hookers and antibiotics columns are killing me.

I bought a toothbrush off of ebay today.

And I fully intend to put it in my mouth.

I can't say I wasn't dismayed and disappointed with New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin's comments about rebuilding a "chocolate New Orleans". In a time and place where the citizens had suffered more than their fair share, to comment so recklessly tells stories of how much of a leader this man will really be in the coming months or years.

It should serve as a warning to future politicians though; do not promise a city built of sugar and cocoa when all you really mean is that the city will be full of black people. It's not fair to anyone of any color.

the sickness runs in the family:

jim: you must be bored lately, throwing all that cash around
e: i am bored, and empty so I'm trying to fill my life with toys rather than love
jim: amen
jim: toys never leave you
e: and you can throw them in the trash and not get arrested for it

After garnering some undue attention by appearing in the company christmas video wearing nothing but a shower cap and a pair of red briefs, I've been asked to act as "the buddy" for a new hire starting tomorrow.

While more suitable people will be showing him how we operate as a company, I'm tasked with exposing him to the cultural nuances of the place like why we have a david hasselhoff calendar on the wall (seriously, why would you even ask? you know the answer) or why there's a plush monkey frozen into a block of pennies and in the freezer (answer is: we had more pennies than nickels or dimes).

The last time I took a new hire under my wing, I learned that he had never seen Top Gun before which made him unqualified to work with me. Luckily that problem only took 110 minutes to fix.

While cooking a full pound of bacon in the office in a george foreman grill followed by a stack of seasoned chicken didn't go over too well with the executive floor upstairs who were bathed in glorious perfume of meat, I'm thinking that the egg and muffin toaster might have a more promising future in our organization.

Of course, side effects of buying just one for the office might be increased agitation in the morning as people fight over their place in line to enjoy a salty, fatty stack of joy, or just a general increase in heart disease and diabetes amongst the office population.

Sounds like a win-win situation.

I had started seeing Telus adverts lately touting their new mobile TV service which prompted me to wonder why the fuck anyone would want to watch tv on their cellphone but curiosity steered me toward their site only to find out that your viewing options are limited to the cbc, weather network, fox news, techtv, and the shopping channel.

Other than an occasional hockey game you'd miss otherwise, I figure that $15 a month could be much better spent elsewhere; say a small thai fishing village filled with young boys eager for first world dollars. Well, either that or a big sack of shitty super value menu items from wendy's but it's a tough call.

While my head has been full of various shitty thoughts, I've had immeasurable trouble forming a cohesive and humorous post based on said thoughts, so I'll just spew it as crap.

Brining is the best thing to happen to pork since bacon. Takes a little bit of forethought, but it makes for the best pork you'll ever eat.

I've started a flickr account to house some old photos, but mainly to prepare for the new camera phone I'm waiting for (which is much more awesome than the one I wanted a few weeks ago).

Dineout Vancouver is coming up fast. Not huge on it myself due to the crowds and limited menu choices but still, great deals to be had if you can still get a table. My advice? Skip Hon's, Fogg n' Sudds and the old spaghetti factory and try to get a seating at Cru, West, or Aurora.

Having just signed up at zip.ca, I've been catching up on the required watching list starting with Fast Times at Ridgemont High and the Breakfast Club this weekend (yeah, I know it's fucked up that I'm not watching these in their entirety until now).

It's easy to see why both of these are held in such reverence and awesome how even 20 years after their making, they still depict relevant and important social situations.

Also, getting to see both Phoebe Cates' and Jennifer Jason Leigh's boobs was gnarly.

That said, what else do I need to watch?

Motivated to outdo all the jerks on the internet who think they're so clever with domain names like del.icio.us, I tried to register an.us only to find out it's too short.

And believe me, I tried to make the first post of this year good but I'm dry right now.